Nervousness

I had my blood work done Tuesday...I'm keeping my fingers crossed that my levels will be up... I'm trying my hardest not to think about it - I don't want my thoughts to get carried away. I'm trying to act like things aren't bothering me - I just throw myself into whatever I'm doing and before I know it a couple of days have passed. I want to know my results - and then again I don't. I'm starting to get the little nervous flutters in my stomach - I hate waiting... makes me uneasy. Patience has never run in my blood.

My frustrations

So, we went to court last Tuesday and the judge gave us full legal custody with Brittany. I was so happy and relieved. The judge didn't terminate her parental rights, so Renae could petition to go back in front of the judge to prove she's fit...which I doubt she ever will be. I was in a euphoric state until Thursday night. Charlie's stupid sister called...the FIRST time (mind you) that she has called us in four months!!! She wanted to talk to Brit. I said no... So she preceded to keep calling back and finally left Charlie an ugly voicemail. This pissed me and Charlie off. When I was listening to that voicemail - I could feel my bloodpressure rising and my mommy claws coming out. We decided together that Renae wouldn't speak to Brittany until we felt like it was ok. Well Friday night - I wasn't at home yet...Renae calls again and Charlie lets her talk to Brit. When I found out, I was behind angry. I felt like Charlie had stabbed a knife in my back. We had decided together that we wouldn't let Brit talk to her mother... We got into a fight about it - I didn't realize how hard of a time Charlie was having dealing with his sister until he finally told me Friday night. He still loves her - that's his sister - but I tried telling him that this person has been taken over by drugs and that it's not really his sister. He still feels a little sorry for her... Me on the other hand - I don't feel the least bit sorry for her. I wouldn't even spit on her if she was on fire... I know that's terrible, but I just can't help it. When the judge gave us the good news Tuesday, I finally felt like we could move on with our life as a family - and that maybe it's mine and Charlie's time - just maybe we can finally have our own baby. But when that stupid dingbat called again, I felt like she was trying to take my life away from me. I'm not giving her anymore of my time. I'm finished with her... I'm Brittany's mommy now - more so than she's ever thought about being. Biology is the least part that makes up a real family....

Where to begin...

Wow, let's see...where to do I begin... Hmm...

We have been trying to get pregnant now for right at a year. I came off my birth control last August. We received temporary custody of our 3yr old neice the third week of August. Her mother (Charlie's sister) - is a drug addict. I think she's the worst person in the world, but that's just my opinion. When Brittany came to us, she was under weight, had dark blue circles under her eyes, and behaved badly. Charlie and I threw ourselves into showing her extra loving and attention because of the bad situation she has been in. But the whole time, I kept thinking that any day now I will find out that I'm pregnant, and we will have our own baby to love on too. So - let's fast foward now to present time. Here we are a year later - and no baby of our own yet. My body started to not work right. I guess it took my birth control several months to get out of my system. In January I wasn't starting on my own. I had to take Provera. They had me come in for day 21 labs and found out that my levels were a 1.1...bad...I thought, ok, I'm just going to have to take clomid once or twice to get my baby. So my doctor jump started me with 100mg... my labs were better - they were an 8.2. So I just knew that the next month would be great and I would respond well to 150mg... So

Cycle # 2 150mg - didn't work. my levels went back down to a 1!!! I was SO disappointed.

Cycle #3 200mg - didn't work either... levels were a 1 again. This was hard to take in. I had just had HSG test done (where they flush your tubes out). OMG, that was the worst thing I have EVER been through. In all honesty, I am emotionally scarred from that. I tried to explain to everyone how horrific it was, but of course, unless you have been through it - you don't understand. She wants me to try 200mg again...

Cycle # 4 - I just started this cycle yesterday. I'm trying to be positive... I know that God's timing is perfect and when He's ready for me to have a baby - He will bless us with one. I'm trying to be strong - I'm looking at this blog to be the place where I can fall apart, put myself back together, and go back out. I know that no one here can judge me and I can say what I want without thinking of someone else.